note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
