I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I could make wine with my vomit
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
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I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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