I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
