....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
