Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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