Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
