you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
