i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
