I wish life had little blips of pornography
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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