I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
