Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
