one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
