Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
