I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
