I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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