fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
high people should be assigned attendants
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
