one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
