My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
