i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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