She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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