so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
