I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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