Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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