Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
