I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
