watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
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My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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