I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
