i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
how drunk are you?
Several
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize