I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
