3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
