You can't motorboat a personality
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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