It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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