I could have mohawked her pubes.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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