WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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