I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
