i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
