pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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