John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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