she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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