i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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