You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
