You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
