I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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