I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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