her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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