Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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