I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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