he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
