Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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