Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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