my mouth tastes like poor choices
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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