I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
