All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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