I am midnight drunk by noon
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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