i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
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Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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