He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
